Outline and synopsis
Nicola and Nicholas try to enjoy a first date at the theatre, but other patrons repeatedly interrupt them and threaten their seats. They leave together, only to become separated at a crossing, on the pavement and at a restaurant door. In a noisy bar, a wine order sounds like a proposition. Once the misunderstanding clears, Nicholas finally finishes his interrupted declaration and they choose to stay together.
Staging and props
- The Whale Theatre is the named setting. The seating arrangement, staff and patrons in this sketch are invented theatrical business, not claims about the real venue or its operations.
- Two adjacent foreground seats represent the aisle end of a longer row continuing into the stage-left wing. An additional inner seat may be visible. The aisle is stage right. The imagined stage is towards the real audience, keeping the couple's faces visible.
- Patrons cross in front of the couple from the stage-right aisle to seats beyond them at stage left, and return the same way. Keep this route consistent. No actual audience member needs to move.
- Nicholas starts in the inner foreground seat; Nicola occupies the aisle seat. Changes of seat are specified below.
- Pat's coat lies across the couple's two seats. Nicola and Nicholas each have a phone. Deirdre has a coat, bag and one prop drink. Other props: programmes, tickets, and the usher's scanner.
- Scene 1 needs seven performers. The usher may double the maître d', subject to costume-change time. Keep the principal couple continuously visible during Scene 1.
- The street and restaurant entrance need no built scenery. The pedestrian crossing is a sound cue (signal beeps, passing traffic). For the bar, the two seats can be reused with a table. The move from the full restaurant to a different venue should be clear, and the resets kept short enough to preserve the date's momentum.
- Early interruptions arrive on the vulnerable word or attempted answer, without a preparatory pause. Do not let the couple anticipate an entrance until repeated traffic has taught them to.
- Allow the physical inconveniences to finish. A person who has crossed but left the couple holding something has not finished interrupting them.
Setting
An evening at the theatre, followed by the street, a restaurant entrance and a noisy bar. Two seats at the aisle end of a theatre row are the initial playing area.
CHARACTERS
| NICOLA | 20s–30s. A young professional, on a first date with Nicholas. |
| NICHOLAS | 20s–30s. A young professional, on a first date with Nicola. |
| USHER | Front-of-house staff, brisk and authoritative. |
| PAT | Another member of the audience. Friendly, affable, middle-aged man. Appoints himself peacemaker in the seat dispute. |
| DEIRDRE | Presumptuous, middle-aged audience member. Demands quiet she does not keep. |
| RONAN | 20s–30s. Audience member, on a date with Orla. |
| ORLA | 20s–30s. Audience member, on a date with Ronan. |
| MAÎTRE D' | Professionally rude maître d' at the restaurant in Scene 2. May be doubled with the USHER. |
One Act Play
Scene 1
The Whale Theatre. Before curtain-up. Two seats at the aisle end of a row. The aisle is stage right.
A coat lies across both seats.
NICHOLAS sits with his tickets open on his phone.
NICOLA arrives at the aisle end of the row.
NICHOLAS stands quickly and drops his phone onto his seat.
NICHOLAS
Nicola.
NICOLA
Nicholas.
NICHOLAS
You found me.
NICOLA
You said you’d be the one looking relaxed.
NICHOLAS picks up his phone.
NICOLA sits in the aisle seat. NICHOLAS sits beside her.
NICHOLAS
How was work?
NICOLA
I’ve closed the laptop. That’s all I’m prepared to say about it.
NICHOLAS
Same. Mine’s closed.
NICOLA
You’re allowed to have had a different day.
NICHOLAS
I left mine open, actually.
He puts his phone away.
NICOLA
I wasn’t sure you’d come. I thought you might stand me up.
The USHER arrives.
USHER
Would you both stand up, please?
They stand.
USHER
I need to see the seat numbers. Someone’s covered them with a coat.
NICHOLAS lifts the coat sleeve from his seat.
The USHER checks the seat numbers.
USHER
And your tickets?
NICHOLAS takes his phone back out.
NICHOLAS
I had them open.
NICOLA
Unlike the laptop.
NICHOLAS shows the tickets. The USHER scans them.
USHER
Yes. These are yours. Thank you.
The USHER leaves.
NICHOLAS drops the coat sleeve and puts his phone away.
NICOLA and NICHOLAS sit.
NICHOLAS
For the record, I was here early.
NICOLA
How early?
NICHOLAS
The doors weren’t open.
NICOLA
Oh, Nicholas.
NICHOLAS
I had a walk. Looked at the sea.
NICOLA
Was it open?
NICHOLAS
Bit choppy.
NICOLA
There is something I should tell you. About my ex…
PAT (at the aisle)
Sorry. Am I coming between you?
They stand.
PAT starts past facing them, then turns with his back to NICOLA.
NICOLA
At the moment, yes.
PAT
Never know which way to do this.
NICHOLAS
Whichever’s comfortable.
PAT turns back to face them.
NICOLA
For whom?
PAT
Sorry. Just in there.
PAT passes NICHOLAS and exits along the row.
NICOLA and NICHOLAS sit.
NICHOLAS
Your ex?
NICOLA
He used to bring his work phone on dates. Put it between us on the table. Screen up.
NICHOLAS checks his pocket.
NICOLA
You can leave yours where it is.
NICHOLAS
It’s on silent.
NICOLA
I wasn’t asking for an inspection.
NICHOLAS
Right.
NICOLA
How about you?
NICHOLAS
Mine said I turned everything into a meeting.
NICOLA
Did you?
NICHOLAS
I asked her for an example. I don’t usually feel this comfortable with someone so…
PAT (from the inner end of the row)
You’re sitting on my coat.
NICHOLAS springs up. PAT pulls the coat; its sleeve is caught under NICOLA.
NICOLA stands. The coat swings free between them.
PAT gathers it.
PAT
Thanks. Just going out for a programme.
They press back against their seats. PAT squeezes past with the coat bundled against his chest.
PAT
Lovely venue, isn’t it?
NICOLA
I’ve mainly seen your jacket.
PAT exits into the aisle. NICOLA and NICHOLAS sit.
NICHOLAS
I was saying I felt comfortable.
NICOLA
You looked it. You were wearing half his coat.
NICHOLAS
Would you rather go for a drink? We could skip the show.
NICOLA
Would you?
NICHOLAS
If you wanted.
NICOLA
I asked you.
NICHOLAS
I thought you’d like the theatre.
NICOLA
I do. I’d like to know what you like as well.
NICHOLAS
I haven’t been out with anyone in a while. I’m trying not to bring too much baggage into…
DEIRDRE arrives with a bag, coat and drink.
DEIRDRE
Hold that a second?
DEIRDRE hands NICHOLAS her bag and NICOLA her drink.
DEIRDRE
And that. Lovely.
They stand, holding her things. DEIRDRE puts her coat over NICHOLAS’s arm and starts past.
NICOLA
Have you anything else?
DEIRDRE
There’s a programme in the bag, if you could get it out.
NICHOLAS tries to open the bag with the coat over his arm.
NICOLA holds the drink clear as DEIRDRE passes.
DEIRDRE sits further along the row, out of view.
DEIRDRE
Careful. That zip catches.
NICHOLAS
I’ve got it.
DEIRDRE
No hurry.
The couple remain standing. NICHOLAS holds up the programme.
NICOLA
Are you coming back for these?
DEIRDRE
Oh, just pass them along.
NICHOLAS passes the bag, coat and programme down the row.
He reaches for the drink. NICOLA keeps hold of it.
NICOLA
I can manage a glass.
She passes it down the row herself. They sit.
NICHOLAS
Sorry. I was only helping.
NICOLA
I know.
She places her hand on the shared armrest. He begins to put his beside it.
DEIRDRE (from within the row)
Actually, would you two swap?
His hand withdraws.
NICHOLAS
What?
DEIRDRE
You’re taller. I can’t see past you at this angle.
NICHOLAS
Oh. Yes, of course.
They swap seats, NICOLA now inside and NICHOLAS at the aisle.
DEIRDRE
No. It was better before.
NICHOLAS begins to rise. NICOLA puts a hand on his arm.
NICOLA
Try looking at the stage.
He sits back.
NICHOLAS
Did that annoy you?
NICOLA
A bit.
NICHOLAS
Me too.
NICOLA
You don’t have to agree.
NICHOLAS
I know. No. It didn’t annoy me. It does now. Could we get a bit closer?
RONAN and ORLA arrive.
RONAN
Any chance one of you could move? We want to sit together.
NICOLA removes her hand.
NICHOLAS
We’re sitting together.
RONAN
Exactly. So if one of you moved, we’d have the two.
NICOLA
Where would the other one of us go?
RONAN
Well, you’d both have to move, obviously.
ORLA
What Ronan means is, we’ve been put apart.
NICOLA
Did you book together?
RONAN
They were the last two tickets.
NICHOLAS
We could have a look. Where are they?
NICOLA
Nicholas.
NICHOLAS
I’m only looking.
RONAN shows him two tickets.
NICHOLAS
These aren’t even in the same row.
RONAN
That’s what we’re saying.
NICOLA
We’re staying here.
RONAN
Those are our seats.
NICHOLAS
You’ve just shown me your tickets.
RONAN
We always sit here.
ORLA
We’ve never been here.
RONAN
Seats like these. At the end.
PAT appears behind RONAN, carrying his programme and wearing his coat.
PAT
Sorry. Could I get through?
RONAN and ORLA move aside. NICOLA and NICHOLAS stand to let PAT pass.
RONAN reaches for NICHOLAS’s empty seat.
NICHOLAS sits, blocking RONAN. NICOLA sits beside him.
RONAN
There’s no need to be like that.
NICOLA
This isn’t quite how I imagined our first…
ORLA
This is our first date and you’re ruining it! We were having a lovely evening until this.
NICOLA
So were we.
RONAN
Then you’ve had your turn.
PAT leans out from within the row.
PAT
What’s the difficulty?
NICHOLAS
We’re in our seats.
PAT
Let’s hear both sides.
ORLA
We want to sit together.
PAT
Well, that seems reasonable.
NICOLA
So do we.
PAT
Please let her finish.
ORLA
Thank you. It’s our first date.
PAT
And now you’re upset.
ORLA
Very.
PAT (to Nicholas)
Could you apologize?
NICHOLAS
For what?
PAT
We can establish that afterwards.
The USHER returns.
USHER
Can I have a look at the tickets?
PAT
I’m dealing with it.
USHER
Do you work here?
PAT
No.
USHER
Tickets, please.
RONAN gives the USHER his tickets.
NICHOLAS takes out his phone. NICOLA takes it and shows the USHER.
NICOLA
You checked ours already.
USHER
Yes. You’re fine. These two are further in, in separate rows.
RONAN
Surely there’s something you can do.
USHER
I can show you to them.
PAT
Wouldn’t it be simpler if these two moved?
NICOLA
You could give them your seat.
PAT
I paid for mine.
The USHER gestures down the aisle. ORLA pulls RONAN away.
ORLA
Come on.
RONAN
I was trying to make it special.
ORLA
You could have started with two seats beside each other.
RONAN and ORLA leave with the USHER.
PAT
At least we got it sorted.
PAT withdraws into the row.
NICOLA returns NICHOLAS’s phone. He puts it away.
NICHOLAS
Thank you.
NICOLA
You were about to apologize.
NICHOLAS
I thought it might get rid of them.
NICOLA
Then we’d be apologizing from different rows.
They take hands.
NICHOLAS
I was hoping we might do this again.
NICOLA
Actually, I…
PAT approaches from within the row.
PAT
Sorry. Me again.
They release hands and stand.
NICHOLAS
What now?
PAT
Toilet.
They let him through. He stops beside NICHOLAS.
PAT
Do you want anything while I’m out?
NICHOLAS
No.
PAT
Drink? Programme?
NICOLA
We want you to go to the toilet.
PAT
Right. Only asking.
PAT leaves. NICOLA sits. NICHOLAS remains standing.
NICOLA
Will you sit down?
NICHOLAS
He’ll be back.
NICOLA
He’s gone to the toilet, Nicholas. We have a chance.
NICHOLAS sits.
NICOLA opens her mouth to speak. DEIRDRE leans out from the row with her programme.
DEIRDRE
Would you mind keeping it down?
NICOLA
The show hasn’t started.
DEIRDRE
Some of us are trying to read the programme.
NICHOLAS
Sorry.
DEIRDRE
I’ve read this paragraph four times. Every time I get to the end, one of you says something and I have to start again.
NICOLA
We’ll stop.
DEIRDRE
It breaks your concentration.
NICOLA
Yes.
DEIRDRE
You lose where you were.
NICOLA
We will stop if you will.
DEIRDRE withdraws.
NICOLA (quietly)
Can I tell you something?
NICHOLAS (quietly)
Please.
NICOLA
I nearly didn’t come in. I watched you from the aisle for a minute first.
NICHOLAS
Looking relaxed?
NICOLA
Looking at the door every four seconds.
NICHOLAS
Three. I was counting.
PAT appears at the aisle.
NICHOLAS
A second.
PAT waits. NICOLA kisses NICHOLAS.
PAT
Fair enough.
NICOLA and NICHOLAS stand to let PAT pass, then sit.
The house lights begin to dim.
NICHOLAS
I’d like to see you again.
NICOLA
I’d like to see you this time.
DEIRDRE leans out.
DEIRDRE
Shh!
NICHOLAS stands.
NICOLA
Where are you going?
NICHOLAS
Out. Will you come?
NICOLA
Where?
NICHOLAS
I don’t know yet.
NICOLA stands.
NICOLA
Neither do I.
DEIRDRE
Oh, if you’re going out, would you ever…
NICHOLAS
No.
NICOLA and NICHOLAS leave up the aisle together.
DEIRDRE
Well.
PAT (from within the row)
Shh!
LIGHTS DOWN
Scene 2
Outside the theatre.
NICOLA and NICHOLAS come out and laugh.
NICHOLAS
Well.
NICOLA
Jesus.
NICHOLAS
Quite. I’m very sorr—
NICOLA (interrupting)
That actually happened, right? It was like being in a BBC sketch from the ’70s!
NICHOLAS
It was rather Looking-Glass-esque.
NICOLA
Was it?
NICHOLAS
Everyone very sure of the rules. None of them the same rules.
NICOLA
You said no to Deirdre.
NICHOLAS
I did.
NICOLA
How was it?
NICHOLAS
Terrifying. I might do it again.
They walk.
NICOLA
So where are we going?
NICHOLAS
I don’t know. That was the plan.
NICOLA
It was a very good plan.
NICHOLAS
Where would you like to go?
NICOLA
You first.
NICHOLAS
I want a burger.
NICOLA
A burger sounds lovely.
NICHOLAS
You don’t have to agree.
NICOLA
I know.
NICHOLAS
How about Eddie Rocket’s?
They reach a pedestrian crossing. The signal beeps.
NICOLA crosses.
The signal stops. NICHOLAS stays on the kerb.
Traffic passes between them.
NICOLA (shouting)
Eddie Rocket’s? We used to call it Empty Pockets.
NICHOLAS (shouting)
What?
NICOLA (shouting)
Empty Pockets.
NICHOLAS (shouting)
You said a burger sounded lovely.
NICOLA (shouting)
It does. It’s the bill I object to. Why didn’t you cross?
NICHOLAS (shouting)
The man was red.
NICOLA (shouting)
There was nothing coming!
NICHOLAS (shouting)
There is now.
NICOLA (shouting)
Stay there.
NICHOLAS (shouting)
I am staying here.
The signal beeps.
NICHOLAS crosses to NICOLA.
NICOLA (shouting)
It’s the bill I object to.
NICHOLAS (shouting)
You can stop shouting now.
NICOLA
So can you.
NICHOLAS
A bar that does food, then?
NICOLA
Let’s have a look at the menu first.
NICOLA sets off along the pavement towards stage left.
NICHOLAS sets off towards stage right.
They keep talking as they drift apart, without looking back.
NICOLA
And the bathroom. People sometimes leave their false eyelashes in there; it’s like having a giant, fuzzy spider watch you pee.
NICHOLAS
There’s a place along here. Never been in, but it looks nice.
NICOLA
You keep an eye on it in case it moves.
NICHOLAS
They’ve a menu in the window. We won’t have to commit.
NICOLA
Then you wash your hands, and it’s gone. But where?
NICHOLAS
If it’s too dear, we can keep walking.
NICOLA
They’re oddly judgemental. Have you ever had that?
[a beat]
They stop and turn towards each other.
They retrace their steps and meet.
NICHOLAS
Had what?
NICOLA
Oh! An eyelash judging you.
NICHOLAS
No, we—huh?
[a beat]
NICHOLAS
No.
They walk together to a restaurant.
The MAÎTRE D’ stands outside.
NICOLA
Does this one have a bar?
NICHOLAS
I think so.
NICOLA
I’ll check.
NICOLA goes inside.
The MAÎTRE D’ steps into the doorway behind her.
MAÎTRE D'
Sorry, we’re full tonight.
NICHOLAS
But my date has just gone in there.
MAÎTRE D'
Does she have a reservation?
NICHOLAS
No. I just need to get her.
MAÎTRE D'
She’ll have to come out.
NICHOLAS
Of course she will, that’s what I’m trying to—
NICHOLAS moves towards the door.
The MAÎTRE D’ blocks his way.
MAÎTRE D'
We’re full.
NICHOLAS
You said. That’s why I’m trying to bring someone out.
The MAÎTRE D’ arches an eyebrow.
MAÎTRE D'
Sir, if I let in everyone who was trying to bring someone out, we’d be full.
NICHOLAS
You are full.
MAÎTRE D'
Exactly. Imagine the chaos that fuller than full would bring.
NICHOLAS
You’re performing a public service.
NICOLA comes out.
NICOLA
They’re full.
NICHOLAS
There’s a bar round the corner. It’s meant to be quiet.
NICOLA
Quiet sounds unbelievably lovely.
LIGHTS DOWN
Scene 3
A crowded bar. Loud music.
NICOLA and NICHOLAS enter.
They sit opposite each other at a table.
The music ducks under each line. NICOLA and NICHOLAS raise their voices over it.
NICHOLAS (loudly)
It’s meant to be quiet!
NICOLA (loudly)
What?
NICHOLAS (louder)
It’s MEANT to be QUIET!
NICOLA (louder)
SO was the THEATRE!
NICHOLAS draws breath.
NICHOLAS (as loudly as Nicola)
In the theatre. I was trying to tell you something.
NICOLA (loudly)
Go on.
NICHOLAS (loudly)
I don’t usually feel this comfortable with someone so…
[a beat]
NICOLA turns towards him.
NICOLA (loudly)
So what?
NICHOLAS (loudly)
I’ll tell you somewhere quieter.
NICOLA (loudly)
We’ve been looking for somewhere quieter all night!
The music ramps up a bit.
NICHOLAS (loudly)
Would you like a drink?
NICOLA (loudly)
What do I think? I think I’d like a glass of wine!
NICHOLAS (loudly)
Red or white?
NICOLA (loudly, coy)
Bed tonight? Let’s see how the evening goes, Nicholas.
NICHOLAS (loudly)
Red or white?
NICOLA (loudly)
Bed tonight? We’ve only just sat down.
NICHOLAS (shouting)
RED OR WHITE?
The music stops.
NICOLA (shouting)
BED TONIGHT? WE HAVEN’T EVEN HAD A DRINK!
[a beat]
NICHOLAS
Red or white. Wine.
NICOLA
White. Please.
NICHOLAS moves round the table and sits beside her.
NICOLA
It’s quiet.
NICHOLAS
I don’t usually feel this comfortable with someone so… unimpressed by me.
NICOLA
I’m a little impressed.
NICHOLAS
How little?
NICOLA
Ask me again somewhere quieter.
The music starts again.
They stay where they are.
CURTAINS