Outline and synopsis
Harriet and Harold turn their daughter Annabella's birthday party into a system of guest checks and gift valuations. Fiona submits to the questioning, then finds that the other parents are competing for approval too. When her brother David arrives to collect Joey, Harriet tries to impress him in the hope of a job. Joey has damaged the cake, Harold keeps applying his rules, and Fiona exposes the special treatment David receives. David declines Harriet's job overture. Harold finally solves his accounts problem, only to knock the remaining cake onto the floor.
Setting
A large house during Annabella's birthday party. The action moves between the front entrance, kitchen and conservatory. The children remain offstage; party sounds are heard from elsewhere in the house.
CHARACTERS
| HARRIET | Annabella's mother, middle-aged. Controlling and socially ambitious. |
| HAROLD | Annabella's father, middle-aged. Earnest and absorbed in procedure. |
| FIONA | Forty. Mr Wilson's sister; goes by her married name. |
| MR WILSON | Joey's father, middle-aged. Has brought a present and expects an ordinary children's party. |
| OFFSTAGE VOICE | A child at the party. Voice only. |
| PARENT 1 | Female, mid-40s. |
| PARENT 2 | Male, mid-40s. |
| PARENT 3 | Female, mid-30s. |
One Act Play
SCENE 1 (HAROLD AND HARRIET)
Inside the house, decorated for a birthday party.
HARRIET wears a lanyard.
HARRIET holds a clipboard with the party schedule.
HAROLD has his ledger open.
HARRIET
Just the last checklist, Harold.
HAROLD
The last. Promise?
HARRIET
Pink birthday cake, sixteen inches tall. Tick.
HAROLD
Ticking as you tick, Harriet.
HARRIET
Six pink striped candles with sparklers on top. Tick.
HAROLD
Ledger for gift assessment.
HARRIET
Keep that out of sight when David Wilson arrives.
HAROLD
Who?
HARRIET
David Wilson. Global Elite Events.
Harold, you do need to keep track. I thought accountants were rigorous.
HAROLD
I’m good with numbers, not names.
HARRIET
Very debatable, Harold, given your accountancy business is about to go bust!
HAROLD
We need the income, Harriet.
HARRIET
I’d like a job there. My skills are widely appreciated at the Tennis Club.
HAROLD
You mean the time you sent the Ladies’ finalists to the wrong tournament?
HARRIET
That’s nit-picking, Harold. We need focus.
HAROLD ticks HARRIET’s clipboard.
HARRIET
That’s the candles.
HAROLD
Still counts.
HARRIET
Do try to look welcoming.
HAROLD
I am welcoming.
HARRIET
Then put the ledger away.
HAROLD closes the ledger.
HARRIET turns towards the front entrance.
HAROLD opens the ledger again.
SCENE 2
The front entrance of a large house, offstage right.
A folding table holds a clipboard, lanyard box and bell.
The children remain offstage throughout.
Offstage party sounds: children’s shrieks, thumps and one sustained scream of delight.
HARRIET checks her watch against the clipboard.
FIONA enters stage left carrying a wrapped present.
FIONA turns towards the wings.
FIONA (calling offstage)
In you go, Joey - Leave your shoes in the basket.
Running footsteps offstage.
HARRIET raises a hand towards the entrance.
A thump inside the house.
HARRIET lowers her hand.
HARRIET
Good afternoon. You’re four minutes early.
FIONA
Am I? Sorry. I’m Fiona.
FIONA offers her hand.
HARRIET keeps her hands on the clipboard.
HARRIET
It’s not a problem. It’s noted.
FIONA withdraws her hand.
HARRIET
Name?
FIONA
I’m Fiona. I’m his aunt.
HARRIET
I meant the child’s name. He’s the guest!
FIONA
Joey Dunsmore. D-U-N-S-M-O-R-E.
HARRIET writes.
HARRIET
I suppose all one word. Hardly double-barrelled?
[a beat]
HARRIET
Rank.
FIONA
I’m sorry?
HARRIET
The first born, the heir to the family fortune? The dreadful middle child that nobody knows what to do with? Or the unruly youngest?
FIONA
He’s the youngest.
HARRIET (under her breath)
Thought so.
HARRIET
Date of birth?
FIONA
The twelfth of March. Twenty twenty.
HARRIET looks up from the clipboard.
HARRIET
And yours.
FIONA
Mine?
HARRIET
Date of birth.
[a beat]
FIONA gives a brief laugh.
HARRIET waits.
FIONA
The ninth of June, nineteen eighty-six.
HARRIET smirks.
HARRIET writes.
HARRIET hands FIONA a lanyard.
FIONA turns it over.
HARRIET
That’s yours. He doesn’t need one, he’s on the list.
HARRIET ticks the clipboard.
HARRIET
Present. Yes or no?
FIONA
Yes, all present and correct.
HARRIET
The gift.
FIONA offers the present.
HARRIET keeps her hands on the clipboard.
HARRIET
Not to me. Harold’s in the kitchen. Straight through, second on your left, don’t go into the drawing room.
FIONA
I’ll just leave it with you, will I, and I’ll head on.
HARRIET
He’ll need the receipt.
FIONA
The receipt.
HARRIET
For the questionnaire.
FIONA looks towards the door.
HARRIET looks past FIONA towards the gate.
FIONA
Right.
FIONA exits stage right into the house.
HARRIET straightens the lanyard box.
The doorbell sounds.
HARRIET
Good afternoon. You’re eleven minutes late.
SCENE 3
The kitchen, with doors to the hall and outside.
A table holds a ledger, cash box, labels and two uneven stacks of presents.
Party sounds come through the hall door.
HAROLD sits at the open ledger.
The hall door is shut.
A brief shriek offstage.
HAROLD weighs a present in each hand.
FIONA enters carrying her present and lanyard.
HAROLD
Place the item on the desk.
FIONA places it on the desk.
HAROLD
Thank you. Description of item.
FIONA
It’s a, it’s a doll. One of the ones that cries and wees - but not at the same time!
HAROLD examines the gift.
HAROLD
Battery or mains?
FIONA
Battery, thankfully! Imagine it being hooked up all day!
HAROLD
Included?
FIONA
Shall we see?
FIONA presses the wrapped present.
A doll’s cry sounds from it.
HAROLD holds his pen above the ledger.
The cry stops.
FIONA
There we are.
HAROLD
Used.
FIONA
Only just.
HAROLD
I’ll have to mark it down.
FIONA
For answering the question?
HAROLD
For use.
The doll gives a brief cry.
FIONA
I’ll switch her off.
FIONA lifts a corner of the wrapping tape.
HAROLD points his pen at it.
HAROLD
Don’t open it.
FIONA
The switch is inside.
HAROLD
Then it’ll be opened as well.
FIONA
We’d better leave her alone, so.
FIONA presses the tape back down.
HAROLD
Retail value.
FIONA
Twenty-two? Twenty-four euros. I think it was twenty-four.
HAROLD
Have you the receipt?
FIONA
Probably in the car.
HAROLD
Euros? A round number, or were there cents?
FIONA
I think it was a round number. I wasn’t really paying attention.
HAROLD writes.
HAROLD
Twenty-two euros, then. Precision often helps!
A scream beyond the hall door.
A chair crashes offstage.
HAROLD keeps his eyes on the ledger.
HAROLD places the present on the smaller stack.
FIONA
Is that, sorry, is that the bad pile?
HAROLD
There’s no bad pile.
FIONA
There’s two piles.
HAROLD
Please don’t mix them.
FIONA
I’ll take her back, then.
FIONA picks up her present.
HAROLD
It’s been entered.
FIONA
You can cross it out.
HAROLD
I need to record the withdrawal.
FIONA
Will that take long?
HAROLD rules a new column in the ledger.
HAROLD
You can have tea in the conservatory while I do it.
FIONA
Lovely. I’ll come back for her.
FIONA sets the present back on the smaller stack.
HAROLD places FIONA’s present on the larger stack.
FIONA
Has she been promoted?
HAROLD returns it to the smaller stack.
HAROLD
And the receipt.
FIONA
For taking her away?
HAROLD
For the original entry.
FIONA looks at the new column.
FIONA
I’ll let you get on with it.
FIONA exits through the hall door.
SCENE 4
The conservatory, with tea on a side table.
Three PARENTS in lanyards huddle with cups and saucers.
The PARENTS whisper.
FIONA enters stage right wearing her lanyard.
The PARENTS fall silent.
A thump offstage.
FIONA pours herself tea.
The PARENTS smile at FIONA.
Cups rattle on saucers.
FIONA
Hello there. How’s it going?
PARENT 2
14 minutes late.
PARENT 1
Noted.
PARENT 3
Stop that.
PARENT 3 (to Fiona)
Sorry. It’s been a long afternoon.
FIONA
It’s only just started.
PARENT 3
Yes.
PARENT 1
Which child is yours?
FIONA
Joey Dunsmore. I’m his aunt.
PARENT 2
Aunt. Is that allowed?
PARENT 1
She has a lanyard.
PARENT 3
Were you asked his rank?
FIONA
Youngest.
PARENT 1
Mine’s the middle one.
PARENT 2
Dreadful, is he?
PARENT 1
She said, ‘Thought so.’ Before I’d answered.
PARENT 2
She asked me my date of birth.
FIONA
Mine too.
PARENT 2
I gave her a different one.
PARENT 3
You didn’t!
PARENT 2
Eight years off. She wrote it down.
PARENT 1
Did she believe you?
PARENT 2
She smirked.
FIONA
She does the smirk, alright.
The PARENTS nod.
PARENT 3 lowers her voice.
PARENT 3
I haven’t got a receipt for the gift.
PARENT 1
Oh no.
PARENT 3
Mine was a present for our Poppy. Last month. We got two of the same thing.
PARENT 2
Regifted.
PARENT 3
Repurposed!
FIONA
Very sustainable.
PARENT 3
Please don’t tell Harold.
PARENT 1
Mum’s the word.
PARENT 2 looks at PARENT 3.
PARENT 2 (imitating Harold)
Retail value.
PARENT 3
Eighty. I looked it up online.
PARENT 2
It will probably make it onto the good pile.
PARENT 3
I hope so; I couldn’t take any more embarrassment today.
FIONA
There’s no bad pile.
The PARENTS look at one another.
PARENT 2 raises his cup.
PARENT 2
To the good pile.
They clink cups.
A crash offstage.
PARENT 1
Doesn’t make sense, though. It’s us she’s interrogating. It’s the Wilson man she’s after.
FIONA
Who?
PARENT 3
Mr Wilson. Something big in events. Harriet’s been rehearsing the handshake and flirty smile all week.
PARENT 2
On me. Twice!
FIONA
Has she.
PARENT 3
Do you know him?
[a beat]
FIONA sips her tea.
FIONA
I’ve met him.
FIONA sets down her cup.
FIONA
I’d better collect my present.
FIONA exits towards the kitchen.
SCENE 5
The kitchen, as before.
HAROLD is at the ledger.
FIONA stands beside the smaller stack.
The hall door opens a little.
The party noise grows louder.
OFFSTAGE VOICE
Joey’s after eating the birthday cake!
The hall door shuts.
The party noise subsides.
HAROLD stops writing.
HAROLD
All of it?
[a beat]
HAROLD puts down his pen.
HAROLD (to Fiona)
Would you excuse me one moment? Don’t move that.
HAROLD points to the pile.
HAROLD exits through the hall door.
The party noise swells.
HAROLD shuts the door behind him.
The party noise subsides.
FIONA sits.
HAROLD returns carrying the damaged cake on a board.
A large piece is missing; the icing is gouged.
HAROLD sets it beside the ledger.
HAROLD sits behind the table, where he remains for the rest of the scene.
FIONA
Not all of it, then.
HARRIET enters through the hall door.
HARRIET
That little shit!
HAROLD
That’s about 32% gone from it and we haven’t done the candles yet.
HAROLD turns the cake board.
A candle lies flat in the icing.
HAROLD (to Fiona)
And what have you got to say about this?
FIONA
As I said, I am only the aunt. His father will collect him. You can take it up with him.
HARRIET leans towards HAROLD.
HARRIET (quietly, to Harold)
Somebody will have to pay for this. That Fiona woman and her ghastly nephew. This is an expense we can ill afford, Harold.
HAROLD
You invited them, Harriet!
HARRIET
I was rigorous in my selection; I wasn’t expecting a little brat with an opinionated aunty.
FIONA stands.
FIONA puts her lanyard on the table.
FIONA puts on her coat.
FIONA (to Harriet and Harold)
I’ll leave you to it so.
HAROLD
Your receipt. We still need your receipt.
FIONA
OK. I’m going to get it from the car.
The doorbell rings.
HARRIET
Who possibly turns up this late to a birthday party?!
HARRIET exits through the hall door.
HARRIET returns through the hall door with MR WILSON, who is carrying a gift bag.
HARRIET
Lovely to see you, Mr Wilson. Please come in.
MR WILSON
Please call me David.
FIONA
Hiya David, I’m delighted you could make it at last.
HARRIET looks puzzled.
MR WILSON embraces FIONA.
MR WILSON
Thanks for bringing Joey. Sorry I couldn’t get out of that recruitment meeting earlier. Thought I’d never escape!
FIONA
Wait till you spend some time here!
HAROLD remains engrossed in his ledger.
HAROLD
Harriet, there are 82 euros that still don’t reconcile. I’ve allowed for depreciation, you know.
HARRIET
We can discuss that later, Harold!
FIONA (to Mr Wilson)
I was on the way to get the receipt for the present I brought.
MR WILSON (to Fiona)
Receipt?
HARRIET
Never mind, David, not important, just a little bit of event admin… you know.
HARRIET leads him to HAROLD.
HARRIET
Here we are. Harold, this is David.
HAROLD finishes the line he is writing before looking up.
HAROLD wipes his fingers on a handkerchief.
HAROLD offers his hand.
MR WILSON shakes it.
MR WILSON offers the gift bag.
HARRIET takes it.
HARRIET
You shouldn’t have. Really.
FIONA
It goes on the desk.
HARRIET
Anywhere is fine.
HARRIET puts the gift bag on the larger stack.
FIONA looks at her present.
HARRIET
Will you stay for a coffee?
MR WILSON
I’d love one. Do I need one of those?
MR WILSON points to FIONA’s lanyard on the table.
HARRIET
No, no. We know who you are.
FIONA
Would you like David to demonstrate his gift?
MR WILSON
Demonstrate it?
FIONA
Just to see if it works.
HARRIET
I’m sure it does.
FIONA
Mine did too.
HARRIET stands in front of the cake to hide it from MR WILSON.
MR WILSON steps to one side.
MR WILSON
You’ve had the cake already?
HAROLD (without looking up)
Joey certainly has.
MR WILSON
Couldn’t wait, could he?
HAROLD
Apparently not.
MR WILSON
At least you know he liked it.
HAROLD turns the gouged side of the cake towards MR WILSON.
HAROLD
He used his hands. That’s 32% written off.
HARRIET
Just a bit of child’s play, really.
MR WILSON
Sorry. Where is he?
HARRIET
They’re all playing on the bouncy castle.
MR WILSON
No, I’ll get him. He should know better than this.
HAROLD
It was an expensive cake from Avoca bakeries.
HARRIET
Harold.
MR WILSON
I am so sorry, I don’t know what to say. Let me pay for another one.
HAROLD
That’s eighty-five euros and 15 cents. Including 23% VAT on luxury goods.
HARRIET
It doesn’t matter, Harold. We’ll serve them the brownies.
MR WILSON takes out his wallet.
HARRIET steps between him and the table.
HARRIET
Put that away, David. Please. It’s not a big deal.
HAROLD looks at MR WILSON’s wallet.
MR WILSON puts his wallet away.
HARRIET
Harold will sort out the brownies.
HAROLD
Will I?
HARRIET
How about that coffee?
HAROLD takes MR WILSON’s gift bag from the larger stack.
HAROLD squeezes the gift bag.
HAROLD
It’s not working, by the way.
MR WILSON
What’s not working?
HAROLD
The toy, or whatever you brought as a gift… and we also need the receipt for it.
MR WILSON
Terribly sorry, I don’t have a receipt. It’s a doll and I think it was about a tenner…
HARRIET tries to get MR WILSON away from HAROLD.
HARRIET
Don’t worry about the receipt. Follow me and let me show you what we have organised and Vlad the Entertainer will be here shortly.
HAROLD
An entertainer? That is not in the budget!
MR WILSON
What’s the budget?
FIONA and HARRIET start a tug-of-war with MR WILSON in front of HAROLD’s desk.
HAROLD is hidden behind them, bent over his ledger.
FIONA and HARRIET speak directly to MR WILSON as though the other is not there.
HARRIET
Come with me to the conservatory. Did I mention that I am also in Event Management? Children’s parties are a walk in the park for me. I led the PR team for the RTE flip-flop project a couple of years ago.
FIONA
Some event, alright. And here I was asked more questions than at immigration at JFK. By the way, you haven’t been processed properly, David. If she asks you your date of birth, make sure to lie, like everyone else.
HARRIET
You see, David, a relaxed working environment. Rigorous controls. My event expertise. Shame they scrapped it. Benefits for staff would’ve been amaz—
FIONA (interrupting)
Talking of scrappage, let’s get Joey out of here before they ask for his tax clearance certificate.
FIONA takes her present from the smaller stack.
FIONA pulls MR WILSON away from HARRIET.
FIONA (calling offstage)
Joey, we are going now…
HARRIET (shouting over to Wilson)
But the Event Manager job, David? Perhaps we could discuss it?
MR WILSON
I’ll keep looking.
HARRIET
Marvellous to have had you here, David. Much appreciated.
HARRIET steps away from the table, revealing HAROLD still bent over the ledger.
HAROLD sits upright.
HAROLD looks up from the ledger.
HAROLD
APPRECIATION! That’s it!
HAROLD lifts the ledger.
HAROLD puts the ledger down on the table again.
The ledger catches the cake board.
The cake slides onto the floor.
CURTAINS