Outline and synopsis
An emergency dispatcher takes calls from Granny, Dopey and a witch whose fairy-tale problems become increasingly alarming. His questions and advice fail to contain the trouble: Snow White is carried away by a stranger, the witch ends up in her own oven, and Granny's rescuer appears at the dispatcher's desk with an axe. The dispatcher calls Granny for help and receives his own sort of advice in return.
Setting
An emergency call centre and three separate caller positions: Granny, Dopey and the Witch. A desk and telephone equipment suggest the call centre; the callers establish their unseen surroundings through their actions. Lighting selects the active call.
CHARACTERS
| GRANNY | Older woman. Composed, particular and judgemental. |
| DOPEY | Adult man. Earnest, literal and accommodating. |
| WITCH | Older woman. Commanding, practical and entirely certain of herself. |
| DISPATCHER | Adult man. Dry, sceptical and professionally controlled. |
| AXE-MAN | Large adult man. Physically imposing. Silent role. |
Performance notes
The DISPATCHER suspects prank calls and mostly plays along, with mild sarcasm rather than overt ridicule. Details that suggest actual danger briefly interrupt his amusement. The callers listen to his questions and cannot hear one another.
The DISPATCHER remains visible throughout, typing and switching lines. His typing starts and stops at the marked cues, with brief pauses to operate the telephone controls. Keep the desk business unobtrusive during the callers' revelations. His questions should leave the callers room to land their replies; he is not competing for every laugh.
The other fairy-tale characters are unseen and unheard. No cottage, coffin or oven is required. The callers establish those spaces through their sightlines and necessary actions. The AXE-MAN appears only at the end, carrying a lightweight theatrical axe at his side.
One Act Play
SCENE 1
Three separate caller positions: GRANNY downstage left, DOPEY downstage centre and WITCH downstage right, each with a phone. Upstage centre, the DISPATCHER sits at a desk with a headset, keyboard, screen and telephone controls, angled so that his face is visible to the audience. Light selects the active caller; the others remain in dim light on hold. GRANNY peers through a gap in an imagined closet door. DOPEY and WITCH wait with their phones to their ears.
GRANNY tries the door, then calls. The DISPATCHER answers.
DISPATCHER
Emergency Services.
GRANNY
Hello, can you put me through to the police please? An intruder has entered my home and locked me in a closet.
The DISPATCHER starts typing.
DISPATCHER
Where are you?
GRANNY
The cottage, in the woods.
DISPATCHER
Which cottage? Which woods?
GRANNY
Oh, I’m not sure to be honest. It’s just THE cottage in THE woods.
DISPATCHER
How would someone find you?
GRANNY
If you see a gingerbread house, you’ve gone too far.
DISPATCHER
I’ll tell them to turn round at the cake.
The DISPATCHER switches lines. Light moves from GRANNY to DOPEY.
DISPATCHER
Hello, Emergency.
DOPEY
It’s Snow White! She’s collapsed!
DISPATCHER
Of course she has. And who am I speaking to?
DOPEY
My name’s Dopey.
DISPATCHER
Snow White?
DOPEY
That is her real name, yes.
DISPATCHER
And yours?
DOPEY
Yes, D-O-P-E-Y. Dopey. Michael Dopey.
[a beat]
DOPEY
This is an emergency, if you don’t mind. We haven’t time for this.
DISPATCHER
Well, let’s get on with it. How many people are there?
DOPEY
Eight of us. Seven men and one young girl. We all live together in a little house.
DISPATCHER
So this young lady has a room in a house with seven men, have I got that right?
DOPEY
No, sometimes she sleeps in Happy’s bed, sometimes Bashful’s. Could be any of our beds, really.
The DISPATCHER stops typing.
DISPATCHER
This young girl shares your beds?
DOPEY
How dare you! She sleeps in whoever’s bed is free. Two of us men will snuggle up in another bed to give her some space. We’re only little. You could fit a few of us in a bed.
DISPATCHER
Always the same two?
DOPEY
Happy and Doc usually share. Happy says Doc’s mattress is better for his allergies. And there are bedside lockers on both sides.
The DISPATCHER resumes typing.
DISPATCHER
Let’s try symptoms. Anything else?
DOPEY
Sneezy’s sneezing and Sleepy can’t stay awake.
DISPATCHER
How long has that been going on?
DOPEY
Years. Snow gets plenty of exercise, cooking and cleaning for us.
DOPEY looks towards the unseen SLEEPY.
DOPEY
Actually we have another one. Sleepy’s passed out as well.
DISPATCHER
How much have you all had to drink?
DOPEY
We have not been drinking! How dare you!
The DISPATCHER switches lines. Light moves from DOPEY to WITCH.
DISPATCHER
Hello, Emergency.
WITCH
Police, please. Children are eating my house. The girl’s picking the fruit out. If you’re going to destroy something, at least eat it properly.
DISPATCHER
Why are they eating your house? What the hell is it made out of?
WITCH
Gingerbread. I started with edible knickers and got carried away. By the time the divorce came through I had a conservatory.
DISPATCHER
How did they get in?
WITCH
Through the wall. The door was locked. Solid oak, three bolts. They’ve eaten round it. It’s standing there on its own, being secure.
DISPATCHER
Can you block the hole? Preferably with something they won’t eat.
WITCH
I’ve patched it with icing. Yes, I see the difficulty. But I can’t leave a hole in the house just because the repair is delicious.
DISPATCHER
And are they leaving it alone?
WITCH
They’re licking it. The girl’s asked if I do gluten-free.
DISPATCHER
And these hungry children, have you tried feeding them?
WITCH
What do you suggest for the main course? The shed?
DISPATCHER
No, maybe distract them with normal food. Keep them there until I get back to you.
WITCH
All right. I’ll give them a proper meal.
The DISPATCHER switches lines. Light moves from WITCH to GRANNY.
DISPATCHER
Hello, Emergency. Right. Tell me what actually happened.
GRANNY
Well, I was preparing for bed when I heard a knock at the door. I opened it, and my assailant jumped me and locked me in a closet.
DISPATCHER
Can you describe him?
GRANNY
Ohhh… well. I’ve never been great with descriptions, but if I had to describe him in one word, I would say… wolf. He’s most assuredly a wolf.
DISPATCHER
A wolf?
GRANNY
Hmm, hmmm, yes a wolf. Like a dog, but sharper. Except this one, and I thought nothing of it at the time, but when I look back on it, it does seem odd, this one walked on two legs.
DISPATCHER
It walked on two legs?
GRANNY
Yes, upright, like a big hairy man. But most definitely a wolf. And as he attacked, and I remember this vividly, he said…
DISPATCHER
Said?
GRANNY
Yes, ‘said’. He could talk.
DISPATCHER
Most people would lead with the talking.
GRANNY
After seeing a bipedal wolf, you sort of abandon any preconceived notions of lupine normalcy. I’m not sure how he locked me in a closet without opposable thumbs either, but here we are.
The DISPATCHER switches lines. Light moves from GRANNY to DOPEY.
DISPATCHER
Hello, Emergency.
DOPEY
Doc says she’s dead.
The DISPATCHER stops typing.
DISPATCHER
You’ve got an actual doctor there?
DOPEY
No, that’s his name. Like mine, only people listen to him.
The DISPATCHER resumes typing.
DISPATCHER
One patient at a time, Michael. Don’t move her.
DOPEY turns towards the unseen others.
DOPEY
They’re putting her in a coffin. I said you told us not to move her. Doc says we’re moving the coffin; she’ll be staying in it.
DISPATCHER
A coffin? Where did you get a coffin from?
DOPEY
Happy ordered it, it’s beautiful and made of glass.
DOPEY (away from the phone)
Leave the lid off. She might need to breathe.
DOPEY listens towards the unseen group.
DOPEY
Doc says we’ve been through that.
DOPEY reaches towards the unseen coffin, then stops.
DOPEY
They’ve shut it. Could you speak to Doc?
The DISPATCHER switches lines. Light moves from DOPEY to WITCH.
DISPATCHER
Hello, Emergency. Have the children left?
WITCH
No, I’ve put the boy, Hansel, in a cage. Wily kid that one.
The DISPATCHER stops typing.
DISPATCHER
You’ve put a child in a cage?
WITCH
You said keep them here. I asked him to stay. He started eating the skirting board. We moved on.
DISPATCHER
Let him out.
WITCH
Why? Plenty of room. He could turn round when he arrived. If it’s getting tighter, my cooking’s working.
DISPATCHER
What sort of cage have you got?
WITCH
It’s a proper cage. My ex-husband kept a tiger in it. Claimed it was an emotional-support animal. Ate his therapist.
DISPATCHER
And where’s the girl?
WITCH
Gretel’s scrubbing the floor. She says the crumbs were there already. Of course they were. They were holding the window in. Nobody eats off the floor. That’s what the walls are for. Their parents left them in the woods. If you’re compiling a list of unsuitable adults, I’d appreciate not being at the top.
The DISPATCHER switches lines. Light moves from WITCH to GRANNY.
DISPATCHER
Hello, Emergency. Where’s this wolf now?
GRANNY
Well, that’s the darndest thing. After locking me in here, he raided my clothes drawer and dressed up as me. Then climbed into my bed.
DISPATCHER
Did he give a reason for getting dressed?
GRANNY
No. Anyway, I can see him now, talking to my granddaughter. She arrived with a basket of baked goods. I really hope she didn’t make them; she’s a dreadful baker.
DISPATCHER
What’s your granddaughter’s name?
GRANNY
Red Riding Hood.
The DISPATCHER switches lines. Light moves from GRANNY to DOPEY.
DISPATCHER
Hello, Emergency.
DOPEY
That man you sent is giving her mouth-to-mouth.
DISPATCHER
I haven’t sent anybody.
DOPEY
You didn’t send him?
DISPATCHER
Who is he?
DOPEY
Says he’s a prince or something.
DISPATCHER
Does he know what he’s doing?
DOPEY
No medical qualifications that he’s mentioned. He says he has a gift for waking women.
DOPEY sees the others open the coffin.
DOPEY
They’ve opened it for him. I asked and they said I’d leave fingerprints.
DOPEY (away from the phone)
Excuse me. Do you know her?
DOPEY listens towards the unseen prince.
DOPEY
He saw her through the glass and fell in love. I felt that way about a cake once. I waited till the shop opened.
DISPATCHER
But does she know him?
DOPEY
No, she’s never met him.
DOPEY (away from the phone)
Could you wait for the ambulance?
DOPEY listens towards the unseen group.
DOPEY
They’re telling me to stop interfering with the rescue.
The DISPATCHER switches lines. Light moves from DOPEY to WITCH.
DISPATCHER
Hello, Emergency.
WITCH
The boy won’t fatten. Eats enough for three, then pokes the same skinny finger through the bars.
DISPATCHER
Have you actually looked at him?
WITCH
My eyesight’s poor. By touch he’s skeletal; by sound he’s a cement mixer.
DISPATCHER
Why are you so keen to fatten him up?
WITCH
Why does it matter? I’ve dinner to think about.
DISPATCHER
Whose dinner?
WITCH
His dinner. You seem very interested in the menu for someone who hasn’t sent the police.
WITCH looks towards the unseen oven.
WITCH
Now Gretel won’t check the oven.
DISPATCHER
What’s she supposed to check?
WITCH
She has to get inside. Head first. She’s waving a hand at the door and saying it’s hot. I want a report from further in.
The DISPATCHER stops typing and straightens in his chair.
DISPATCHER
Is the oven on?
WITCH
Of course it’s on. She wants it switched off before she’ll check it. Then I’ll have a cold oven and an opinion.
DISPATCHER
Don’t put her in there.
WITCH (away from the phone)
Head first, Gretel. Plenty of room.
WITCH listens towards the unseen girl.
WITCH
Now she wants a demonstration. Got through a wall with her teeth, but an open door has defeated her.
WITCH puts the phone on speaker, sets it inside the imagined oven, then crouches and moves in after it.
WITCH (away from the phone)
There. Nothing difficult about that.
WITCH turns back towards the opening and reaches for it.
WITCH
She’s shut the door.
WITCH pushes against the door.
WITCH
Fire brigade, please.
The DISPATCHER switches lines. Light moves from WITCH to GRANNY.
DISPATCHER
Hello, Emergency. Your granddaughter. Is she in fear for her life?
GRANNY
No, quite the opposite. She seems to be having a conversation with the wolf-man dressed as me. I can’t be sure, because I’m in a closet you understand, but it very much seems to me that she might think the wolf IS me. Though a wolf wearing glasses and a nighty ought to be a dead giveaway. She’s never been terribly bright, but this seems dumb even for her.
GRANNY knocks softly on the imagined closet door and waves through the gap. She stops.
DISPATCHER
Has she seen you?
GRANNY
No. The wolf has.
GRANNY moves back from the gap.
GRANNY
I would appreciate if you could send someone as quickly as possible. The wolf granny is drooling quite a bit now, and I’m completely sure it has nothing to do with my granddaughter’s shitty pies.
GRANNY turns towards the unseen cottage entrance.
GRANNY
Oh my, how unexpected!
DISPATCHER
What’s happened?
GRANNY
Oh, I’m sorry, it’s just that a very large man dressed as a woodcutter has smashed through my front door and chopped the wolf granny’s head clean off with an axe. One swing. How brutal. The head just popped off like a bottle cap. Oh look it’s rolling this way.
GRANNY follows the unseen head with her eyes.
GRANNY
You know, now that I see it up close, he did look a bit like me.
The DISPATCHER resumes typing.
DISPATCHER
Do you know this man?
GRANNY
No, I’ve never seen him before in my life.
DISPATCHER
Then you may still be in danger.
GRANNY
Hmmhmm, yes, I agree it’s very possible the situation just got much worse.
The DISPATCHER ends GRANNY’s call and selects DOPEY’s line. GRANNY looks at her phone. Light moves to DOPEY.
DISPATCHER
Hello, Emergency.
DOPEY
That man you didn’t send has taken her away. No idea where.
DISPATCHER
Taken her away how?
DOPEY
He’s taken the coffin too. Happy asked for a deposit. Nobody asked for a pulse.
DISPATCHER
Did he give you an address?
DOPEY
“My kingdom.” Which one? “Someday it will be hers.” If you want an address, you’ll have to marry him.
DISPATCHER
His name, then?
DOPEY
Prince. That’s all I’ve got. I asked for a phone number. Doc said I was embarrassing us.
DISPATCHER
Put Doc on.
DOPEY
Doc’s gone with them. Carried the end with the head.
DOPEY moves to the edge of his light, looking after them.
DOPEY
Should I follow them or wait for the ambulance?
DOPEY listens. No reply.
DOPEY
Hello? Do I stay here?
The DISPATCHER switches lines. Light moves from DOPEY to WITCH, crouched inside the oven.
DISPATCHER
Hello, Emergency.
WITCH
The oven. I’m in the oven. You were putting me through.
The DISPATCHER stops typing and reaches for the telephone controls.
DISPATCHER
Is it actually lit?
WITCH
Yes. Lovely even heat. I’ve been very proud of that until quite recently.
WITCH looks through the imagined oven window.
WITCH
She’s let Hansel out.
WITCH (away from the phone)
Open this door!
WITCH
He’s taking a piece of door frame for the journey. Take the whole bloody porch, why don’t you?
DISPATCHER
Can you wait quietly while I get somebody?
WITCH
No! There’s no room. There ought to be rules about putting people in things.
DISPATCHER
You were happy enough to leave the boy in his cage.
WITCH
His cage had ventilation. This is a fucking fan oven.
DISPATCHER
What about the children?
WITCH
Never mind them. Me first.
WITCH (shouting)
It’s burning my hands! Gretel! Open it! Get me out! GET ME OUT!
WITCH hangs up and puts both hands to the door. Her light fades.
The AXE-MAN enters upstage left and approaches the desk, axe at his side. The DISPATCHER turns, sees him and pushes his chair back.
Keeping his eyes on the AXE-MAN, the DISPATCHER hurriedly dials. GRANNY’s phone rings and her light comes up. She answers.
GRANNY
Neighbourhood Watch.
DISPATCHER
Hello? There’s a man in here with an axe.
GRANNY
That sounds a bit far-fetched.
DISPATCHER
I can see him. He’s looking at me.
GRANNY
Have you asked him what he wants?
DISPATCHER
No. Could you send someone?
GRANNY
Oh. Have you tried hiding in a cupboard?
CURTAINS